Pulling the plug on yet more of my wares, as of February 2021 I am retiring these two specific Electrical Installation Condition Reporting services... at least until further notice.

A hostile domestic EICR is when a house buyer appoints me to report on the condition of the electrical installation for a dwelling they're looking to purchase while the seller remains resident.

Of course, my job is merely to provide an accurate and honest report on what I find, however the seller may assume I'm looking to deliberately find fault in order to give the buyer, my client, a means of beating them down on price. As far as I'm concerned, I'm busy enough that I don't need to be making up false failures in order to bid for any remedial work and I'm confident that the paperwork I produce can be shown to any third party to verify I've not been talking out of my hat.

There have however been one or two unpleasant past experiences with sellers who don't appreciate having a couple of hairy-arsed sparkies cutting off the power to root around their home before they've boxed up and buggered off. While understandable, you'd think the fact we're undertaking an EICR at the buyer's expense at least ought to show a moody seller they're not dealing with a timewaster. Sellers who haven't gone to the effort or expense of arranging their own condition report, and who are too stupid to understand that selling a home without one is like selling a car without an MOT, really ought not be too surprised or too pissy if the person waving the cash in front of their piggy eyes wants some reassurance that the bloody wheels aren't about to fall off.

I've seen many people buy their dream home only to find major rewiring or upgrading work is required afterwards because the previous owner failed to undertake any competent maintenance and dicked around too much on things they didn't fully understand with their supermarket screwdrivers. If you're buying a property where the seller hasn't gone to the effort of having an EICR performed by someone accredited for such work, then ask yourself what DIY horrors they may be trying to hide and perhaps downgrade your price under the assumption you'll have to pay someone like me to right all sorts of wrongs once you take possession of the keys.

Speaking of keys, if you have an empty property where keys need to be picked up from an agent, please don't call me if you use Purple Bricks, Leaders or Loveitts. I refuse to deal with Purple Pricks after having to take them to court to pay a stupid 120-ish quid bill in the past. Leaders I don't like because they wanted me to change the retest date recommendation on an EICR I compiled for a property they managed. As for Loveitts, the last time I had to deal with them, some princess in the Leamington office threw up an almost sobbing hissy fit over the phone because I was asking to pick up keys he had to hand with only a day's notice - the dickhead.

Finally, large commercial EICRs. Well, what defines large commercial? I dunno, but put it this way, we just spent eight man-days inspecting and testing a community centre with about ninety circuits and it wasn't any fun. Frankly, I don't ever find inspection & testing to be much of a party, but under the normal run of things the number of EICRs I undertake in a year in proportion to other work means they don't piss me off too much. A year ago however, Boris the cock and his governmental shower of shite decided all rental properties needed EICRs, pandemic or not, and like most other sparkies I've been hammered with them since.

Not that I'm complaining of too much work, and given the aforementioned pandemic I realise I should count my lucky stars compared with what many others are going through, nonetheless too much of any task that one feels is wearisome at the best of times means a line needs drawing. And here is said line: no more sodding large commercials. No churches, community centres, large offices, warehouses, schools or whatever.

Home offices, small businesses, small retail: well, they're okay. As for the rest of it, who needs the headache?